Back when I lived in Albany I had the privilege of working with a guy named Ryan Morrison. I am fairly certain hours of work would go by wasted where we would just dick around, tell stories and come up with new and inventive ways to keep ourselves occupied on a 12 hour shift at Bombers. He is also one of the most opinionated people I have ever met. Below is a guest blog post from him on his views of gay marriage. Enjoy
Why hello there people who are against gay marriage. I’m glad you could swing by here so we could have a civilized discussion on the topic and debate the validity of both arguments. Now I know it seems like your side could not possibly be wrong what with gays being pure evil and the scum of society, but unfortunately Jesus couldn’t get here tonight so it looks like we might have to resort to using facts instead of a book that’s been retranslated more times than any other in history, and edited the same amount.
Regardless I’m not here to poke holes in your hysterical religion. I am here to let you know that we live in a little place called the god damn united states of America. We are supposed to lead by example and show the world what freedom truly is, being the golden beacon of hope to every citizen of earth who wasn’t fortunate enough to be born here. Instead however we have the group of people who most often yell about how great America is, ruining it for everyone.
So I agreed to a formal debate, lets look at your arguments and points and I’ll see if there are any holes in them. I’m not hopeful because I know most of you are just shining beacons of genius.
1. Marriage is an institution between one man and one woman.
Damn this is a hard one to argue. I mean what possible reason could there be to say this shouldn’t be the case. I mean if we let gays marry what’s to stop us from allowing people to marry minors, or goldfish, or their cousins!
Oh right. Morals. If you assholes honestly can’t see the difference between a man marrying a four year old, and a man marrying another man whom they have shared the better part of their lives together and truly love each other, than in all honesty you should kill yourself and stop using up America’s precious air.
In case you are a little slow however let me explain the differences. A minor in the eyes of the law is afforded nearly no rights. A gay adult wishing to get married is afforded nearly all the rights of other adults minus this one. Therefore minors are not a part of this argument. Comparing a gay person’s right to marry to an adult marrying a minor is just you swinging your jesus stick around blindly and trying to hit something.
Marrying your cousin? That’s illegal for many other reasons, and believe it or not, has science and facts behind those reasons! Retard babies…moving on.
Marrying your dog is also not the same argument by any means because gays are not two different species. Gays are human despite what your priest tells you. That is if he can pull his mouth away from the altar boy’s ass long enough to tell you anything. Yea…priest molestation joke. I’m bringing them back.
2. Marriage is for procreation.
Well then who the FUCK let infertile people marry. Someone call the president! Don’t even get me started on people’s mothers and fathers who have stayed together after menopause and the such have started. Those people will burn!
3. Same-sex couples aren’t the optimum environment in which to raise children.
Well here’s another one I can‘t figure out an argument, and by that I mean are you fucking kidding me? America allows murderers, child molesters, rapists, etc. to marry and procreate every single day. How are those people more fit than gays? For people who argue that you need a mother and father, what about the 51% of marriages that end in divorce. What about the runaway dads. And worst of all what about those scumbag families where one of the parents dies for whatever circumstance while the child is still young. If the living spouse doesn’t remarry nearly instantly that child should be ripped from the home and thrown into foster care according to your argument.
The amount of love and Xbox games a family buys their children decides their happiness, not their gender.
4. Gay relationships are immoral and violate the sacred institution of marriage.
Oh yippy! A bible argument! Well lets say all you people are correct and gays are ruining what adam and eve had that was just so special all those years ago. Too fucking bad! Once again as often as this is repeated it seems most of you won’t listen. We are a country of religious freedom, NOT a Christian country. I know I’m just a heathen Jew but I’m pretty sure I remember learning that in first grade social studies.
5. Marriage is traditionally a heterosexual institution.
Yup, and slavery was traditionally how we got our fucking cotton. Then we woke up, realized we were assholes, and moved on as a country. Time to realize you’re all a bunch of bigots once again. Go pick your own damn cotton.
6. How will I explain it to my children?!
To steal from the great Louis C.K.
Why should we deny two people happiness who are in love because you don’t want to talk to your dumb kid? Your kid is probably gay anyway. High five.
7. Gay sex is just so …icky
Wow, you finally admit it. The entire reason why this argument is even around in the first place. Gay sex makes you uncomfortable so you are on a campaign to stop it. Well you know what makes me uncomfortable? People who try to turn their bigotry and hatred into laws. All joking aside this is a serious matter, and the people on the evil side are there for all the wrong reasons. The fact our country even humors these people is outrageous.
Now instead of writing face book updates or bitching at the bar go out and write your representatives and let them know that you are not ok with ignoring this topic. Put some testicles back in your scrotum and stand up for something that doesn’t directly benefit you. You’re not gay? Me either, but I know a civil injustice when I see one. This country was founded on people brave enough to stand up for the rights of others who were completely different than them.
(Insert patriotic music)
Now its your turn.
To read more hilarity go to www.jesusandbeer.com