There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my mother, and there is a large part of me that feels that I did not properly mourn the loss. In part, this is because I'm not sure I have truly come to terms with what happened, as it was sandwiched between events during what may have been the most hectic point in my life.
Either way, that is not the point of today's post. My reason for writing today is to point out something that I have discovered. People constantly mention that there is nothing as strong as a mother's love. And while I do believe that to be a true statement, that is not what I miss most about her. I am lucky enough to have an amazing network of people in my life who truly love me, and while it may never match the love of a mother, it certainly comes close. The thing I've noticed that is not only unmatched but almost non-existent, is the worry that a mother has. My mother, along with probably every other mother in the world has an unparalleled sense of worry that they carry for their child. It is the urge to protect your offspring despite not being nearby. My mother would constantly call to check in and make sure I am safe. If there was a shooting in NYC (which happens quite a bit), my mom would call to make sure I was not nearby. At times it was a nuisance, but it is something I miss greatly now that she is gone. When I walk home at night, there is no longer this overarching feeling that there is someone out there that is constantly concerned for my safety. It is that overprotective safety blanket that is now gone, and I definitely have felt its absence. Perhaps it is all connected in the concept of a mother's love, but it also seems to be a much more singular feeling.
I have talked with others who have lost a parent, and the one thing that seems to be a constant is that while day to day living will get easier, the pain of the loss remains the same for as long as you live. With every birthday or special event that passes, you are reminded that she is not there, and it hurts. The best anyone can do is acknowledge those feelings and let them shape you.