January's Daily Dose of Rants

Sonny Frazee has ended his sentence section claiming that he has given too much joy to the world and would like to go back to his roots of spreading pain and fear amongst his peers. Thank you for following.

01-07-12  I go H.A.M. eating ham.

01-06-12  When I show up to a party they call me Vick, because I bring a bunch of bitches, and I make them fight

01-05-12  2012 and yet, no mannequins with areolas.

01-04-12  Pretty insecure about how much I can enjoy Glee.

01-03-12  What's your favorite typo?

01-02-12  I am the eye of the storm, madness surrounds me; serenity within.

01-01-12  Throats Throats and Throats, probably what one of those store signs in China Town says.

December's Daily Dose of Rants

12-31-11  I couldn't make it through the first sentence of the wiki article on chromium.

12-30-11  I gotta get my name changed and throw some umlaut's on that bitch.

12-29-11  Salsas centered around fruit are trying too hard.

12-28-11  Fresh or stale popcorn has the same texture.

12-27-11  William Tell shot the apple, or had the apple shot off him, whatever the case, the other guy deserves credit.

12-26-11  Melky Cabrera approach to women; swing at everything and constantly put on weight.

12-25-11  Ryan West has never met an S he "could" pronounce.

12-24-11  How many USMNT soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb, two, one to buy it, and Jonathan Bornstein to screw it up.

12-23-11  I just pumped my fist off of my wrist.

12-22-11  I am going to en the world in 2012.

12-21-11  Mature enough to think about buying a house, but not mature enough to stop writing letters to Nabisco encouraging them to make a bigger oreo.

12-20-11  Mormon-Mexican = Utaco

12-19-11  Steamed foods are healthier, I'd like to welcome back to my life the Orange Hostess Cupcake.

12-18-11  2012's resolution is the same as every years: clap the loudest at funerals.

12-17-11  All the NYK need to reach their potential is panic.

12-16-11  The most important thing about The Wire is the Orlando case.

12-15-11  Carmen Sandiego was the world's most successful terrorist.

12-14-11  People worry about a cure for HIV, when the CDC has not gotten through mono yet.

12-13-11  Cat food for my real friends, real food for my cat friends.

12-12-11  Was on time every day this week for work, but also, forgot my shift got pushed back by one hour.

12-11-11  Teach Me How to Douglas, Teach Me How to Tony Douglas

12-10-11  HOOF

12-09-11  I cried when Mufasa died, I wanted to touch his paw.

12-08-11  For people that live the christian life, I do not have much to say, but they choose to live their lives within the borders of religious rules; I only live by one rule: steal as much money from your friends as possible.

12-07-11  I deleted all the tagged photos of me on facebook where I do not look incredibly handsome.

12-06-11  My bathroom mirror is like the closets in The Chronicles of Narnia, whereas the closet was an entry point to a magical world, the mirror is an entry point to bandaids.

12-05-11  I am so ready to fight, I have been practicing for literally minutes.

12-04-11  Naps are great, back-to-back naps are heaven on earth.

12-03-11  Everyone laughed when I was sucking on a candycane, but they were not laughing when I threatened them with my tounge wittled weapon.

12-02-11  More Gasol's, more scruff.

12-01-11  The beautiful autumn beards of movember have fallen, its that time of year, eggnog challenge.

November’s Daily Rants

11-30-10   Sonny has requested today his sentence be a link. Eggnog Challenge 2010

11-29-10   Little known fact: William Shakespeare wrote in Comic Sans.

11-28-10   You can tell which sentences I sent via email, and which Ryan has recalled, through the level of appropriate punctuation.

11-27-10   This is easy, I've been writing sentences my whole life.

11-26-10   If all my friends had PS3's, I'd get an XBOX to prove my individuality.

11-25-10   I am the Michael Jordan of baseball of ultimate.

11-24-10   I bet being the elevator repairmen's union throw a banging Sunday-get-the-guys-together-and-watch-football party.

11-23-10   If you're not sure what day it is, it's Wednesday.

11-22-10   What is the official flavor of a tootsie-roll?

11-21-10   A lot of sports have awards, rugby has the "Super Rugby player of the Year" award.

11-20-10   When ever I see that bhangra dance, my brain immediately overdubs their music with the Skidamarink song.

11-19-10    I got tickets to the Knicks Magic March 28th "Asbestos Bowl" game.

11-18-10    The desert menu is dinner overtime.

11-17-10    Jam>Preserves

11-16-10    If I had to choose a favorite sentence, it wouldnt be this one.

11-15-10    At a subway submarine sandwich shop, ask for the high shelf spinach, if they say there is no such thing, give them a wink, they know.

11-14-10    Fresh squeezed orange juice sounds better than fresh squeezed goat's blood.

11-13-10    I had a doughnut-web gem in the office.

11-12-10    A good insult for a guy carrying a sack of hammers while wearing MC hammer pants would be, HEY hammer-sack guy, go fuck yourself!

11-11-10    Daffy duck dresses like a priest.

11-10-10    I think of myself as pretty even-tempered, but very small blankets send me into a towering rage.

11-9-10      At baseball games instead of a glove, bring a bat to hit homeruns back.

11-8-10      It's funny that I'm legally allowed to vote, because I think I injured my jaw trying to fit my fist in my mouth yesterday.

11-7-10      I just drank somebody's milkshake.

11-6-10      How much do you think a mummy costs?

11-5-10      I have a new habit of mispronouncing "extreme" as "ex-trem-ay" in my head.

11-4-10      Pepperpetuallyunderratedmint Patties.

11-3-10      I'm doing a lot of pacing today.

11-2-10      Confirmed: You CAN skip ice cubes on a river.

11-1-10      Sharing nachos at a bar is basically a chip draft.

October's Daily Dose of Rants

10-31-11  My favorite sentence is 11-4-10.

10-30-11  I baked a potato and I liked it.

10-29-11  A belly full of greasy lo mein is excellent.

10-28-11  Is it too late for me to be a bowtie guy?

10-27-11  Frowning like the first time I had broccoli rabe.

10-26-11  Ice cream sandwiches and rice crispy treats need to get together.

10-25-11  At parties, I constantly point to the ceiling, so in pictures it looks like I was having the best time.

10-24-11  There was a piece of floss stuck to my dumplings, pretty good floss too.

10-23-11  1. Pistachio 2. Cashew 3. Almond 4. P-nut 5. Macadamia

10-22-11  I wish more of my stuff was magnetic.

10-21-11  Watching sports is fun, getting to overpay for stale popcorn.

10-20-11  Having a job is cool, you to say things like, "get down to brass tacks."

10-19-11  Say adorkable.

10-18-11  The buzzer just rang by itself, I am not terrified.

10-17-11  When I say "bitch", I do not mean rude, it's just how I refer to women.

10-16-11  Third annual ENC on the horizon.

10-15-11   To get sentences, but also the narrative of my life, follow me.

10-14-11   Reheat your pizza in the oven.

10-13-11   Every day at work I keep a shooting percentage of crumpled papers into the waste basket.

10-12-11   Adjusting to single life: I had to do buy hangers, do my own laundry, and fold it.

10-11-11   The first thing you should say to someone to make an impression is, "I love topaz."

10-10-11   Working on rubrics for scoring naps.

10-09-11   Coney Island: if you like beaches, but also like hidden rusty objects.

10-08-11   I have a blood-candy content of .15.

10-07-11  Is culinary school under the umbrella of Women's Studies?

10-06-11   Hal-yes I want a Gyro right now.

10-05-11   Typically, painter's pants are white, and that seems like the worst color choice.

10-04-11   For x-mas I want a big chunk of ambiguous meat.

10-03-11   In Harlem, terrified of black people #whitemenproblems.

10-02-11   All cupcakes will be finished in three bites.

10-01-11   Cleaning my room and jamming stuff under my bed are the same thing.

September's Daily Dose of Rants

09-30-11  Are Chinese Fire drills run the same out there as they are here?

09-29-11  I'm excited about dentures, because in the future, I bet dentures get really advanced.

09-28-11  It was the most delightful doughnut; sprinkles, jelly, as well as boston creme!

09-27-11  I just tried soap for the first time, this stuff is really good.

09-26-11  You ever find sweatshop blood on your socks?

09-25-11  Guac on the shirt, eat the shirt.

09-24-11  I have a talent ruining the resealable part of ziplock bags.

09-23-11  It's taken more teenagers' lives than Adam's Song.

09-22-11  Being miserable is tougher, cooler.

09-21-11  Words, words and a period.

09-20-11  To catch a raccoon you need a pillowcase and a rabies shot.

09-19-11  I've never heard anyone say they hate these sentences, but I know some people do, the improper punctuation, the lack of editing, the Times New Roman.

09-18-11  Trying to beat one's PR for a Taco Bell bill.

09-17-11  Everyday I wake up and look out my window and see the Statue of Liberty, and I cry.

09-16-11  The best part about being an archeologist is squatting down dramatically when making a discovery.

09-15-11   A lot of arguments can be settled with spitting.

09-14-11   I once stopped drinking coffee, but I still was drinking three cups a day.

09-13-11   To become the top fashion guru in the land, you must shout "FASHION" many hundred times a day..

09-12-11   What does the uncle of a monkey say when they are surprised?

09-11-11   We'll iron it out, well, I will iron it out with a tire iron!

09-10-11   All recycled things just end up in a landfill in India.

09-09-11   I replaced Employee of the Month with "Appreciation Gyros" which everyone loves.

09-08-11   Triscuits are gross, and I hate everyone that eats them.

09-07-11  Jesus, you scare me.

09-06-11   It's terrible to go back to your college to find better options in the food court.

09-05-11   I'm not cool, I have no idea what Telluride is.

09-04-11   I will buy a GPS when it has a "Forgotten Cheeto's Bag" option.

09-03-11   I am like the Brett Farve of Sonny's Sentences, but only sexually.

09-02-11   Is a breadwinner an occupation, I qualify.

09-01-11   Without space films synth players would have no work.

August's Daily Dose of Rants

08-31-11  Huricane Irene flooded NJ, but everyone was happy they could still cut people off in their boats.

08-30-11   If I do not get my election committee together in time, I am going to have to change my twitter handle from sonny_2012 to sonny_2016 before it's nabbed up.

08-29-11   Before the hurricane, I never skipped pebbles on my floor!

08-28-11   Slap some sails on that bitch and make it a boat.

08-27-11   Lil puppy dog with buck teeth.

08-26-11  Tornados are really stepping their game up.

08-25-11   Thick shakes!

08-24-11   To be taken serious at work use the word "shall".

08-23-11   I fell down the stars, I am going to take a nap, and then call some hospitals.

08-22-11   Above ground pools are for poor people.

08-21-11   If you are zoning out and someone asks you what you think, say "Double it"

08-20-11   How do they make baby carrots?

08-19-11   Whichever my friends gets a laser first, that is my best friend.

08-18-11   I sure talk a lot about the moon.

08-17-11   Using a key to mark ones vehicle with your name is a sign of love and beauty.

08-16-11   I bet no one cares if you steal dvd's these days.

08-15-11   How many chrome skulls are on your guitar?

08-14-11   I cannot imagine what movie people will charge for 5d films.

08-13-11   Recycle, instead of a towel use newspapers you find outside.

08-12-11   Promotional cigarrettes.

08-11-11   If you said you were going to give someone the finger and gave them a hotdog, you are doing it wrong.

08-10-11   Actions speak louder than words, like the action of yelling.

08-09-11   My landlord bought a bunch of boomboxes with my deposit.

08-08-11   Point is I am the center of this world, and I do not care, so do what you want.

08-07-11  There is a race of people in the inner core of the moon, that I am racist against.

08-06-11   Ever since Vitamin Water, I only drink Reverse Osmosis Water.

08-05-11   I like the protective grease film that forms on my skin after not showering for one hour.

08-04-11   Before urbandictionary.com I did not understand one MF Doom album.

08-03-11   I recently got a wisdom tooth out, and right after I ate popcorn, I am writing a movie about this event, it's called, "Blood Everywhere"

08-02-11   I've made my way on to a lot of wedding waitlists.

08-01-11   Does being a gynecologist take formal training?

July's Daily Dose of Rants

07-31-11   In any HR meeting the first person to mention racism wins.

07-30-11   My fantasy team includes many porn stars, and only a couple of linebackers.

07-29-11   At my funeral I want my eulogy to start with, "Although he was a robot."

07-28-11   I am in a recliner in a candlelit room, so anything's possible.

07-27-11   I am charitable, I always give my unsolicted two cents.

07-26-11   I would like to open up a restaurant where you can order the Pizza (comes with jalapenos) or the Idiot Pizza.

07-25-11   If you walk into a bar with a sign that says, "NO WHITCHCRAFT," then you are in a grammar bar!

07-24-11   If I had the force, a lot of air-conditioners would be falling out of windows.

07-23-11   My facial hair goes from clean shaven to trash-stache to given up for real.

07-22-11   Bookmarks made of fruit, that ripen at the exact time you finish a book!

07-21-11   Celebratory skyward gun shots should come back in vogue.

07-20-11   Rollos are like gum, but disgusting and you cannot spit it out.

07-19-11   Babies will just give their candy away, if it's shitty candy.

07-18-11   Not quite time to pack on the delicious winter weight.

07-17-11   .Period at the front of a sentence means you incomplete me

07-16-11   If you eat enough ice cream, it can be dinner.

07-15-11   I love Chilli Cheese Waffle Fries with Bacon.

07-14-11   Google maps tell me there are several Dr. Pepper's.

07-13-11   Game of Thrones: Winter is Coming.

07-12-11   Why so many abandoned construction vehicles?

07-11-11   I wonder what kind of shark ate Osama.

07-10-11   IIf you're being a puss, I am not going to talk to you until you have an Ice Coffee.

07-09-11   To get more birthdays, set your calendars to dog years.

07-08-11   If you told someone they looked like Xerxes, and they did not, it's still a good insult.

07-07-11   50% chance of corduroy weather next week.

07-06-11   At the produce convention, I spouted about sprouts.

07-05-11   How many people die before the editor in chief of a newspaper becomes president?

07-04-11   What is the accepted diameter of a stain, before you cannot wear a shirt to work.

07-03-11   I ate $25 worth of lobster, which is very little lobster.

07-02-11   I wonder how the recession is treating the clip art industry?

07-01-11   Explaining gaps of employment with, "I was lost at sea" is excellent.

June's Daily Dose of Rants

06-30-11  Michael Cera's one movie has been re-released 15 times with different titles.

06-29-11  I'm getting each wisdom tooth taken out one at a time to get the maximum amount of narcotic pain killers.

06-28-11  When writing a menu with Fingerling Potatoes, make sure you include the L.

06-27-11  Coffee > Ice Coffee > Plasma Coffee.

06-26-11  Hublot - the office sponsor of stoppage time everywhere.

06-25-11  The best part about those jobs you had as a teen was hanging out in the walk-in refrigerators.

06-24-11  If you ever get the chance, change your residency to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.

06-23-11  I wish my job would have a lockout.

06-22-11  I am enduring an incredible challenge, I am not going to drink alcohol in any form for ten days.

06-21-11  The only way to have fun for free is at the expense of someone else.

06-20-11  Happy Birthday Doc Cots

06-19-11  Teams should have their cinematic introductions directed by David Lynch.

06-18-11  When I sent the last group of sentences to Ryan, I spent 10 minutes making the spacing between them very awkward, in order to annoy him as he copy and pasted them to the website.

06-17-11  I love basketball, but I say Colby Bryan at work so people do not try to relate to me.

06-16-11  Humidity and greasy hair.

06-15-11  Thundersticks are much better than the noodley looking things that people wave.

06-14-11  Whether you win or lose the Kentucky Derby, you're still going to be made into glue.

06-13-11  There are a couple subway lines, that the only time I've been on them, is when I've woken up drunk and disoriented.

06-12-11  I gave a small speech about how thermostats did not contain thermometers today.

06-11-11  Benadryl gets rid of allergy symptoms, but produces zombie symptoms.

06-10-11  I went to open Microsoft word, and found I do not have it, rockin the openoffice!

06-09-11  Listening to music on headphones so loud it drowns out the music I am listening to on my headphones.

06-08-11  Poisoned tip umbrellas.

06-07-11  Cicis is an all you can eat cinnamon roll buffet, with pizza sides.

06-06-11  An ant with a little ax, is the only way I can think of, for how split peas are made.

06-05-11  I like putting my ear next to a pregnant belly, and gently saying over and over, "murder".

06-04-11  If there is soft serve ice cream on the way to your event, I will go.

06-03-11  I've gotten so good at looking busy at work, I actually got stressed when I had nothing to do.

06-02-11  Is there a civil rights movement for people with bed bugs yet?

06-01-11  Some evil things are better than good things, devil's > angel food cake.

May's Daily Dose of Rants

05-31-11  Like that documentary Supersize Me, but for 30 days all you consume is artificial popcorn butter.

05-30-11  I stopped drinking coffee for a month or so, and was told today at work, it made me quite mean.

05-29-11  How big of an acme barbell can I press?

05-28-11   Cocktails are hard-soft drinks.

05-27-11   I am running under the ticket of melting the statue of liberty down to pennies.

05-26-11   In upstate NY you can get awesome cookies off the deli counter for free.

05-25-11   Cannot identify the taste of one fruit in fruit punch.

05-24-11   Does the tune about shots apply to everybody?

05-23-11   Everyone you speak to thinks the Mets are an embarrassment to baseball, yet on tv, it appears they have fans.

05-22-11   I am not an adult until I understand APR.

05-21-11   No foundations to find a cure for summer colds!?

05-20-11   What in the Ham Sandwich happened here!?

05-19-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-18-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-17-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-16-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-15-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-14-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-13-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-12-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-11-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-10-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-09-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-08-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-07-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-06-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-05-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-04-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-03-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-02-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

05-01-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

April's Daily Dose of Rants

04-30-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

04-29-11   All work and no website makes Sonny want to eat soft serve

04-28-11   Last summer I was living in a shark tent and eating one baguette a day.

04-27-11   Abraham Lincoln was a Conehead!

04-26-11   I wanted to get into online gaming, but I hate doritos.

04-25-11   Hockey goalies look like autobots.

04-24-11   Do not do this totally badass idea you probably would not have thought of by yourself. http://bit.ly/hf8YU7

04-23-11   My facebook profile picture is me napping, but so is every other photo that has been taken of me.

04-22-11   It's adorable when little kids say "pu-lease"

04-21-11   I want death by soft serve ice cream.

04-20-11   What's your favorite plague?

04-19-11  Day after Easter I go to target and fill up on all the %80 off Chocolate Bunnies; living like a King!

04-18-11   Peeps are not good to eat for me.

04-17-11   There are only two places that have lamb on the menu, high end restaurants or the side of food carts.

04-16-11   Wear a tight hat, and your hair will hurt.

04-15-11   NYC taxis should have cowcatchers.

04-14-11   I still use the windows screensaver that features the pipes that do not end.

04-13-11   Summer weather and Top-40 radio.

04-12-11   Heavy is the head that wears the frown.

04-11-11   You love someone for a while, then one day you realize and say to yourself, "Since when did you talk out of the side of your mouth?" then you say out loud, "it's over," then you're sad for a while.

04-10-11   I can't believe all that was holding up this budget was a "Mandatory Top Hat" law.

04-09-11   POUND PUPPIES, HOOF!

04-08-11   Baseball on tv < Baseball on radio < A play about Che Guevara put on by crickets.

04-07-11   I could have made bank on the royalties of "I got sirius when I switched from XM"

04-06-11   Ebay search for prized ancient religious manuscripts comes back with disappointing results.

04-05-11   Newark should change their slogan to "Jewel of the Crown"

04-04-11   Carberator - hates cars.

04-03-11   I know some arabic, the numbers.

04-02-11   There are giant holes in my fitted bed sheet that remind me of the ozone.

04-01-11   I never see hasidic jews on my runs, explains why their action movies gross so poorly.

March's Daily Dose of Rants

03-31-11   These sentences are written on Notepad.exe

03-30-11   Next time someone crosses me, I am going to get so worked up and ejaculate with, "I swear to God, if you do not stop, I am going to smack the poop out of your butt"

03-29-11   People think I use too many commas in my sentences, truth is, I am endorsed by several anti-MLA groups that promote commas in run-on sentences.

03-28-11   Today is March 28, or in the Central African Republic, Boganda Day, a celebration that signals the most historically insignificant day of the year.

03-27-11   I also think, that should be a sentence, and so should this.

03-26-11   I think, since I am part of this website, you should profile me in a blog entry.

03-25-11   Do you like me for me, or just my 32GB First Generation Zune?

03-24-11   What is the best type of duct tape for handy men, and what is the best type for kidnapping?

03-23-11   People that do not like me, I try to win them over, people that like me, I try to give them a reason not to.

03-22-11   Bro, my bracket is fucked!

03-21-11   Soft serve is probably the best thing you can vomit.

03-20-11  There wouldn't be ice cream markers on mapmyrun.com unless I was not supposed to consume ice cream while running, also I threw up ice cream during my run.

03-19-11   Kill the bass, boost the treble.

03-18-11   Today I stole some of Ryan's Chicken Tiki Masala and burned my mouth.....Karma

03-17-11   There should be a 3 in 1 shampoo, conditioner and White Sauce.

03-16-11   If you do not like someone, feed their pets garbage juice.

03-15-11   I was going to correct it, but I will leave the irony alone for the sentence on 03-12-11.

03-14-11   Man, I really cannot fall that far behind again.

03-13-11   There is a lot you can tell about a woman by their armpits

03-12-11   I would put more effort into my excuses, then my actual school work.

03-11-11   Snoop Dog just got back from the Sizizzizzizzler.

03-10-11   I pegged my future on their being a professional kickball league by the time I graduated.

03-09-11   I hope to someday to rowdy applause, extend my hand, drop the mic, and walk off the stage.

03-08-11   Living in a hasidic neighborhood, means I had to google hasidic to spell it right for a different sentence.

03-07-11   Living in a hasidic neighborhood, means I do not worry about being shot at... past sundown!

03-06-11   Shelden Williams' head looks like a Korean Pear.

03-05-11   The only movie I cried during was Osmosis Jones.

03-04-11   Ever since the world cup, I've been trying to trade shirts with everyone I meet.

03-03-11   I am going to treat baseball games, like I treat movies, yelling at people not to talk.

03-02-11   When someone tells you anything is possible, tell them to dribble a football.

03-01-11   I guess they are doing a college basketball tournament again this year.

February's Daily Dose of Rants

02-28-11   I bought juice, only to find out I had to buy a cup, they saw me coming.

02-27-11   You are pretty creepy if you own tongue depressers in bulk, and are not a doctor.

02-26-11   If I had a digital camera, I would sepia-ize all my photos, and you would deal with it.

02-25-11   I want a Chaco Taco prepared for me hibachi style.

02-24-11   It's nice to think that Jay-Z has all this money, but he wastes his time watching a waste of a time basketball time in the most meaningless state in the US.

02-23-11   Poptarts and coasters are interchangeable.

02-22-11   Nap-letes.

02-21-11   Neither the Bronx or Manhattan needs to defines itself; looking at you Staten ISLAND.

02-20-11   I would rather eat tater tots all night, then drink beer, but I've yet found a bar that will sell me a pitcher of tator tots.

02-19-11   This man's beard had caught goldfish like a net plundering the sea.

02-18-11   Spellcheck is not a word, yet it appears in my word processor.

02-17-11   There is no constitutional law against paying your taxes in corn.

02-16-11   The subtitles in LOTR annoy me, I want the elvish words that are exchanged to forever be up to debate.

02-15-11   I got to say assuage with a sausage today!

02-14-11   Gallo, what happens!? http://on.nba.com/fB3x6l

02-13-11   Anyone find out about radiohead through the film clueless?

02-12-11   It must be hard to actually sell a bridge.

02-11-11   Being Santa for Christmas means a B&E, down the chimney, eat'n yo cookie!

02-10-11   You could make millions if you could record the special sound a doorbell makes while waiting for a pizza delivery.

02-09-11   How much hard candy would you have to bring to a party of drunk underage college kids in order to get them excited, I'd say 20,000 Werthers.

02-08-11   Saw an emotionless girl sledding, just going up and down without a hint of joy.

02-07-11   Just won a "Short story told over the phone at my convenience" on ebay for 99 cents!

02-06-11   If all my knowledge came from late night infomercials, I would think the Grand Canyon was protected by hoards of hoveround motorists.

02-05-11   Blimps - women love non-rigid aircraft.

02-04-11   This part of the site and my preference of Radiohead album are both organized by month (depending on the groundhog we could be looking at an early The Bends season).

02-03-11   If I had one sentence to go back in time and have JFK read it would be, "Duck."

02-02-11   As a practical joke hide fingernail clippings in your friend's grated cheese.

02-01-11   The only way I know to stop eating yogurt covered raisins, is when I am out of yogurt covered raisins.

January's Daily Dose of Rants

01-31-11   I have your facebook profile set to my homepage.

01-30-11   If you never talked with your mouth full of food, you'd never talk.

01-29-11   The best universe is the one where Christopher Walken played Jackie Chan's part in Rush Hour.

01-28-11   My fault, I am sure your dad is great, I just do not like programmers.

01-27-11   Is there any version of dried fruit that is better than the natural and ripe version.

01-26-11   I could probably have a humorous, yet appropriate for the work place sentence of the day as well.

01-25-11   Is the greatest bunter-ever in the hall of fame?

01-24-11   Frozen soda is everywhere, Tarantino it: I shook a can of frozen soda.

01-23-11   No officer, I have not been drinking, I bathe in Martinis in my car.

01-22-11   Every day I've been doing one hour testicle soaks in Mountain Dew, since I heard about its semen killing ability.

01-21-11   There should be a funny name for that time when you and your friends are partying, but it transitions into a bunch of people trying to top the previous youtube video selection.

01-20-11   My office secret santa did not get me a gift, so I looked at the list on someone else's computer, then threw out her lunch and cheesecake, Merry Christmas Bozo.

01-19-11   It's off the beaten path, but there is an adult section on ebay.

01-18-11   I thought Gmail was for gangsters!

01-17-11   Lets drive until the waters warm.

01-16-11   The best way to make the work day float by is to drink just enough coffee to be awake, but not enough coffee to be productive.

01-15-11   A guy came for interview today wearing all black, which really highlighted his pale skin and ginger hair.

01-14-11   An inquiring co-worker wanted to know what I did for fun, I told them I enjoyed very complex cinematography, and as an example I stated, Dinner for Schmucks changed my life.

01-13-11   I download movies, mp3's, games, and applications, however I always get the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball before taping Derek Jeter as he changes the world one breath at a time.

01-12-11   That store bought Guac's only got 2% avocados in it!

01-11-11   I keep a tally of how many times I almost introduce myself at work as Sonny.

01-10-11   Is there a greater feeling than eight hours of sleep?

01-09-11   In a hotdog eating contest, I could probably eat 4-6 hotdogs.

01-08-11   Next time I see someone layout, I am going to say, "He ate dirt like a Camache tracker"

01-07-11   I only use triple-ply.

01-06-11   Bozo, and jackwagon, are timeless insults.

01-05-11   Dunk your milano cookies in coffee for one second, email me your experience to 12to6curve (at) Gangster-mail.com

01-04-11   The talent show at the Darfur Relocation center is mostly renditions of Fugees' songs.

01-03-11   French onion soup without the soup is cheese and croutons, and that is still delicious.

01-02-11   I bought some canned pea soup and broccoli from KeyFood, so I had an excuse to order burritos.

01-01-11   Every time I hear a subway rumbling into the station, I think a nuclear bomb went off in Manhattan, then I remember it would kill me before I could hear it, so now every time I do not hear a nuclear bomb go off in Manhattan, I think a nuclear bomb went off in Manhattan.

December’s Daily Rants

12-31-10   Every day I've been doing one hour testicle soaks in Mountain Dew, since I heard about its semen killing ability.

12-30-10   At Christmas, a family friend said, "I like your facebook statuses, they make me think," my last facebook status: I am going to do a shot for every time this is liked before 10PM.

12-29-10   Several people at work voiced their objection when they heard I was in line for a promotion, I could not hear this over my thoughts of how much I will enjoy wittily crushing their will five days a week.

12-28-10   All of my drunk conversations end up with me trying to get someone to open up a joint checking account with me.

12-27-10   My favorite part about the fax machine is that it is taupe colored, and to fax machine technicians, this makes all the difference in the world.

12-26-10   I saw a bunch of people I knew from five years ago; I ran away from my past metaphorically and physically.

12-25-10   I emailed wikileaks for a job, I think it would be pretty cool to work for a company with a website.

12-24-10   Pickup Line: I am the CEO of a company, maybe you've heard of it, Facebook.com.

12-23-10   Every day Amare dunks is the new best day of my life.

12-22-10   If your online university does not have a DJ 101, you are getting ripped off.

12-21-10   Drive until the water is warm.

12-20-10   I only want to get paid more if it means I can do less.

12-19-10   They used to use children in the industrial era, because there small hands could fit inside the machines; we've always had the technology, iPods were just waiting for the hands to get smaller.

12-18-10   I don't know conversational english.

12-17-10   I have so much hate to give.

12-16-10   The year 2020 will have some insanely great titled prescription glasses sales.

12-15-10   The successor to the Eggnog Challenge will be a longer version called Eggnog Ramadan.

12-14-10   Google it, there is no excuse for ignorance.

12-13-10   Brooklyn has an opossum problem, Staten Island has a wild turkey problem.

12-12-10   I am reading a 453 page book on how the Adidas R&D department settled on three stripes.

12-11-10   Hey Ryan what was the name of the catscan model you dated?

12-10-10   How many of those old Christmas songs we all love were sung by racists?

12-9-10   The day comes when a man must look at himself in the mirror and say am I a boston or bavarian creme man.

12-8-10   A documentary called Five Guys Burgers and Lies would probably be on netflix streaming before its DVD release.

12-7-10   The face I make when it looks like I am paying attention should win awards.

12-6-10   I wonder how many times I've been slapped in the face.

12-5-10   All my socks do not match, but they all smell.

12-4-10   Lets make a show called "Soda Steal" where hidden cameras show a man in a black and white striped jumpsuit, stealing your soda at the food court.

12-3-10    I respond to all emails through the US Postal Service.

12-2-10    If I was in charge of the Army I would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for "Ice Cream Sundays!

12-1-10    Southern Comfort Vanilla Spiced Eggnog has changed the game forever.

November's Daily Dose of Rants

11-30-11  Late to bed, earyly to rise makes a man wealthy.

11-29-11  Eggnog not nutritious? MYTH. A serving of nog has 2% of your daily vitamin C.

11-28-11  Trying to think of something positive to say about nyc rats, because that is the sort of formula I use for these sentences.

11-27-11  Not a smart phone, and constantly on it, that's a drug dealer.

11-26-11  Hope my bag gets checked getting on to the subway, because it is filled with 24 Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies.

11-25-11  The tables coasters weren't nearly as delicious as the dog made them seem.

11-24-11  I assumed Iron Chef was a spinoff of Battle Bots.

11-23-11  Blood and diamonds, two of the most valuable recources on the earth, when combined, say, "I'll love you forever."

11-22-11  I can get behind a movement that stands up for what they believe in through camping.

11-21-11  Trying to communciate with day laborers that I want to know if a fence based on argyle-style patterns is possible.

11-20-11  Accidentally typed "sowwy" instead of "sorry", my hands have an adorable streak to them.

11-19-11  Breaking news: my headphones.

11-18-11  I was not named after my disposition.

11-17-11  Next time I am in a school cafeteria I am going to put cookies on the toaster\conveyor belt.

11-16-11  Is there anything I enjoy more than looking at facebook profiles of people who have gotten fatter? No.

11-15-11  Being on your own is kind of awesome, no safety net, just you and the world

11-14-11  People that do not go to college, never have to hate JSTOR.

11-13-11  Just realized you can hang gym shorts up by slipping a hanger in, then tightening the draw string!

11-12-11  The government should take over countries with better soccer players to make our team less pathetic, Blood for Strikers, write your senator.

11-11-11  I get really excited for the facebook photo I use for all patriotic holidays.

11-10-11  I read these sentences and I ask how did I become so many people's boss?

11-09-11  Classic Burn: She sucked down more semen than cylla and charybdis.

11-08-11   Reading this book the way Ernest Hemingway wrote it; drunk.

11-07-11   Despite an embarrassing amount of attempts, google won't tell me where I can buy a steamboat.

11-06-11   Time Magazine's Villain of the Year, my dad; finish the deck.

11-05-11   Hands down, Time Magazine's Person of the Year has to be my mom for removing a splinter that was in my heal.

11-04-11   Hoping Daylight Savings Time was going to fuck up the NYC Marathon.

11-03-11   If no one wants to drive their car, because they are going to drink, then just rent a car.

11-02-11   Letter written to credit card company asking if I can pay off debt with blood of the wicked: denied.

11-01-11   Being lucky is just as good as a tangible contraceptive.

October's Daily Rants

October's Daily Rants

10-31-10    I'm an everything or nothing type of guy, when it comes to bagels.

10-30-10    They do not make short sleeved spacesuits because its cold in space.

10-29-10    Mozzarella governor would be a sweet title!_

10-28-10    Do fences around graveyards keep zombies in?

10-27-10    Most Commercials can be summarized as woman love yogurt.