December’s Daily Rants

12-31-10   Every day I've been doing one hour testicle soaks in Mountain Dew, since I heard about its semen killing ability.

12-30-10   At Christmas, a family friend said, "I like your facebook statuses, they make me think," my last facebook status: I am going to do a shot for every time this is liked before 10PM.

12-29-10   Several people at work voiced their objection when they heard I was in line for a promotion, I could not hear this over my thoughts of how much I will enjoy wittily crushing their will five days a week.

12-28-10   All of my drunk conversations end up with me trying to get someone to open up a joint checking account with me.

12-27-10   My favorite part about the fax machine is that it is taupe colored, and to fax machine technicians, this makes all the difference in the world.

12-26-10   I saw a bunch of people I knew from five years ago; I ran away from my past metaphorically and physically.

12-25-10   I emailed wikileaks for a job, I think it would be pretty cool to work for a company with a website.

12-24-10   Pickup Line: I am the CEO of a company, maybe you've heard of it, Facebook.com.

12-23-10   Every day Amare dunks is the new best day of my life.

12-22-10   If your online university does not have a DJ 101, you are getting ripped off.

12-21-10   Drive until the water is warm.

12-20-10   I only want to get paid more if it means I can do less.

12-19-10   They used to use children in the industrial era, because there small hands could fit inside the machines; we've always had the technology, iPods were just waiting for the hands to get smaller.

12-18-10   I don't know conversational english.

12-17-10   I have so much hate to give.

12-16-10   The year 2020 will have some insanely great titled prescription glasses sales.

12-15-10   The successor to the Eggnog Challenge will be a longer version called Eggnog Ramadan.

12-14-10   Google it, there is no excuse for ignorance.

12-13-10   Brooklyn has an opossum problem, Staten Island has a wild turkey problem.

12-12-10   I am reading a 453 page book on how the Adidas R&D department settled on three stripes.

12-11-10   Hey Ryan what was the name of the catscan model you dated?

12-10-10   How many of those old Christmas songs we all love were sung by racists?

12-9-10   The day comes when a man must look at himself in the mirror and say am I a boston or bavarian creme man.

12-8-10   A documentary called Five Guys Burgers and Lies would probably be on netflix streaming before its DVD release.

12-7-10   The face I make when it looks like I am paying attention should win awards.

12-6-10   I wonder how many times I've been slapped in the face.

12-5-10   All my socks do not match, but they all smell.

12-4-10   Lets make a show called "Soda Steal" where hidden cameras show a man in a black and white striped jumpsuit, stealing your soda at the food court.

12-3-10    I respond to all emails through the US Postal Service.

12-2-10    If I was in charge of the Army I would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for "Ice Cream Sundays!

12-1-10    Southern Comfort Vanilla Spiced Eggnog has changed the game forever.