January 2011

January's Daily Dose of Rants

01-31-11   I have your facebook profile set to my homepage.

01-30-11   If you never talked with your mouth full of food, you'd never talk.

01-29-11   The best universe is the one where Christopher Walken played Jackie Chan's part in Rush Hour.

01-28-11   My fault, I am sure your dad is great, I just do not like programmers.

01-27-11   Is there any version of dried fruit that is better than the natural and ripe version.

01-26-11   I could probably have a humorous, yet appropriate for the work place sentence of the day as well.

01-25-11   Is the greatest bunter-ever in the hall of fame?

01-24-11   Frozen soda is everywhere, Tarantino it: I shook a can of frozen soda.

01-23-11   No officer, I have not been drinking, I bathe in Martinis in my car.

01-22-11   Every day I've been doing one hour testicle soaks in Mountain Dew, since I heard about its semen killing ability.

01-21-11   There should be a funny name for that time when you and your friends are partying, but it transitions into a bunch of people trying to top the previous youtube video selection.

01-20-11   My office secret santa did not get me a gift, so I looked at the list on someone else's computer, then threw out her lunch and cheesecake, Merry Christmas Bozo.

01-19-11   It's off the beaten path, but there is an adult section on ebay.

01-18-11   I thought Gmail was for gangsters!

01-17-11   Lets drive until the waters warm.

01-16-11   The best way to make the work day float by is to drink just enough coffee to be awake, but not enough coffee to be productive.

01-15-11   A guy came for interview today wearing all black, which really highlighted his pale skin and ginger hair.

01-14-11   An inquiring co-worker wanted to know what I did for fun, I told them I enjoyed very complex cinematography, and as an example I stated, Dinner for Schmucks changed my life.

01-13-11   I download movies, mp3's, games, and applications, however I always get the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball before taping Derek Jeter as he changes the world one breath at a time.

01-12-11   That store bought Guac's only got 2% avocados in it!

01-11-11   I keep a tally of how many times I almost introduce myself at work as Sonny.

01-10-11   Is there a greater feeling than eight hours of sleep?

01-09-11   In a hotdog eating contest, I could probably eat 4-6 hotdogs.

01-08-11   Next time I see someone layout, I am going to say, "He ate dirt like a Camache tracker"

01-07-11   I only use triple-ply.

01-06-11   Bozo, and jackwagon, are timeless insults.

01-05-11   Dunk your milano cookies in coffee for one second, email me your experience to 12to6curve (at) Gangster-mail.com

01-04-11   The talent show at the Darfur Relocation center is mostly renditions of Fugees' songs.

01-03-11   French onion soup without the soup is cheese and croutons, and that is still delicious.

01-02-11   I bought some canned pea soup and broccoli from KeyFood, so I had an excuse to order burritos.

01-01-11   Every time I hear a subway rumbling into the station, I think a nuclear bomb went off in Manhattan, then I remember it would kill me before I could hear it, so now every time I do not hear a nuclear bomb go off in Manhattan, I think a nuclear bomb went off in Manhattan.