07-31-11 In any HR meeting the first person to mention racism wins.
07-30-11 My fantasy team includes many porn stars, and only a couple of linebackers.
07-29-11 At my funeral I want my eulogy to start with, "Although he was a robot."
07-28-11 I am in a recliner in a candlelit room, so anything's possible.
07-27-11 I am charitable, I always give my unsolicted two cents.
07-26-11 I would like to open up a restaurant where you can order the Pizza (comes with jalapenos) or the Idiot Pizza.
07-25-11 If you walk into a bar with a sign that says, "NO WHITCHCRAFT," then you are in a grammar bar!
07-24-11 If I had the force, a lot of air-conditioners would be falling out of windows.
07-23-11 My facial hair goes from clean shaven to trash-stache to given up for real.
07-22-11 Bookmarks made of fruit, that ripen at the exact time you finish a book!
07-21-11 Celebratory skyward gun shots should come back in vogue.
07-20-11 Rollos are like gum, but disgusting and you cannot spit it out.
07-19-11 Babies will just give their candy away, if it's shitty candy.
07-18-11 Not quite time to pack on the delicious winter weight.
07-17-11 .Period at the front of a sentence means you incomplete me
07-16-11 If you eat enough ice cream, it can be dinner.
07-15-11 I love Chilli Cheese Waffle Fries with Bacon.
07-14-11 Google maps tell me there are several Dr. Pepper's.
07-13-11 Game of Thrones: Winter is Coming.
07-12-11 Why so many abandoned construction vehicles?
07-11-11 I wonder what kind of shark ate Osama.
07-10-11 IIf you're being a puss, I am not going to talk to you until you have an Ice Coffee.
07-09-11 To get more birthdays, set your calendars to dog years.
07-08-11 If you told someone they looked like Xerxes, and they did not, it's still a good insult.
07-07-11 50% chance of corduroy weather next week.
07-06-11 At the produce convention, I spouted about sprouts.
07-05-11 How many people die before the editor in chief of a newspaper becomes president?
07-04-11 What is the accepted diameter of a stain, before you cannot wear a shirt to work.
07-03-11 I ate $25 worth of lobster, which is very little lobster.
07-02-11 I wonder how the recession is treating the clip art industry?
07-01-11 Explaining gaps of employment with, "I was lost at sea" is excellent.